Owning a boat isn’t all about sail maintenance and oil changes; there’s certainly room for humour on the deck. If you’re looking for some boat-related jokes to impress your sailing friends then look no further. We have put together 50 of the most hilarious boat jokes that are guaranteed to get a giggle.
- Why are baby boats afraid of their teacher? – Because she’s so stern!
- What vegetable is not allowed on a boat? – A leek!
- Where should you take a sick boat? – To the dock!
- Why couldn’t the sailors play poker? – Because the captain was standing on the deck!
- What do you call a boat made from rocks? – A hard ship!
- Why do sailors avoid going near an iceberg named Bluetooth? – They’re worried that their ship will sync!
- What’s a sailor’s favourite movie? – The Codfather!
- Did you hear about the two ships that collided last week? One was transporting red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. They say that the crew was marooned!
- How do you make a boat feel healthier? – Give it a dose of vitamin C!
- How much do pirates have to pay to get their ears pierced? – A buck an ear!
- What’s the most important thing for a sailor who has a cold? – An anchor-chief!
- How do sailors greet one another at sea? – They wave!
- Who’s the only actor that can go sailing for free? – Tom Cruise!
- What do you call a yacht that always spoils the fun? – A keel joy!
- What’s the name for a smart boat with an AI? – A row-bot!
- What did the pirate say after his 79th birthday? – Argh Matey!
- Why do boats do things that they don’t really want to do? – They give into pier pressure!
- Did you hear about the dentist who opened a practice on a ship? – The boat was called the Tooth Ferry!
- How do boats find a lover? – They act all row-mantic!
- Why do Spanish people have a hard time getting where they want to on a boat? – They always get lost at ‘si!’
- What kind of boat do vampires like to sail on? – A blood vessel!
- Why did the pirate struggle learning his alphabet? – He kept getting stuck at C!
- Why do sailors fall asleep during their hobby time? – Because they keep snore-kling!
- What’s the most efficient type of bilge pump? – A scared man holding a bucket!
- Why don’t the other boats like the canal boat? – He keeps barging through!
- What do you call a boat where everyone gets along? – A friend-ship!
- Where’s a zombie’s favourite place to go sailing? – The Dead Sea!
- What is the fastest sailboat in the whole world? – Usain Boat!
- Why do sailors have a problem when they don’t score well on a test? – Because they get C-sick!
- If a boat is made from cork, what is the name of its captain? – Bob!
- What’s the difference between a homeless man and a boat captain? – One has a boat!
- What do you call a dream about sailing across a sea filled with soda? – A Fanta-sea!
- What band do naval ships refuse to allow on board? – Maroon 5!
- What do you call a boat that comes in second in a race? – A rudder up
- Give a guy a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach that guy to fish and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Don’t ever worry about the cast of Friends if they end up shipwrecked ; Lisa Kudrow and David is a good Schwimmer.
- I was about to have an operation and the anaesthetist asked if I wanted to be put to sleep with gas or a boat paddle ; it was an ether/oar situation.
- The cargo ship just got a hole in the bottom; it was a hull of a problem.
- I’ve just won a rowing competition; canoe believe it?!
- Did you hear about the yacht that belonged to the rock band? It came into the marina and then fell sideways; they say it liked to dock and roll.
- There’s a new service where a boat brings meats and cheeses straight to your door; they’ve called it the deliferry.
- I used to have a fear of boats, but I got over it; that ship has sailed.
- I’m sick of arguing about oars, we don’t need to keep having a row.
- If you’re looking for some bargains, there’s a sail on at the boat store today.
- Have you noticed how polite a ship is; it’s always got a bow for everyone it meets.
- Two cruise ships were sitting empty in the harbour; one said to the other “where is everyone?” The second cruise ship replies “I haven’t got a crew.”
- My husband’s boat business is doing really well, sales are going through the roof.
- Boating sounds like a terrible idea on paper, but on water it’s a thousand times better.
Long Boating Jokes
One Friday evening, a guy returns home from work and goes to speak to his wife. “Darling, my boss wants me to go for a fishing trip this weekend at one of the big lakes in Canada.
I think this will be a chance for me to get that promotion I’ve been after for so long. But I’m going to need you to help me; could you pack a bag with clothes for a week and get my rod and tackle box ready, please?
I’m heading back to work and we’ll be going on the trip straight from the office but I’ll pop back home to grab my things. Oh and one more thing, could you make sure you pack my blue silk pajamas, please?” This wife thinks that something sounds a little fishy but nonetheless, she does as her husband has requested.
It’s now late on Sunday evening and the husband returns home; he’s very tired and the wife asks him how the trip went. “Oh very well, we caught quite a lot of fish; some Bluegill, a handful of pike and some Walleye. But you didn’t pack my blue silk pajamas like I asked.” The wife looks at her husband and calmly says “Oh, yes I did. They were in your tackle box.”
There’s a group of skippers walking around a town in search of crew members. They spot a large building with five stories. Outside is a sign that reads ‘Crew Association; Ship’s crew available.’ This is exactly what they have been looking for so they head inside.
There’s a security guard there who, through his salty attitude, explains how things work. “We’ll go through the five floors and when you find what you need, you can choose. It’ll be easy because there’s a sign on each that tells you who is inside.” This all sounds great so the crew head on up and go to the first floor. There’s another sign here that reads “Beginner crew members on this floor. “ The skippers chuckle and without even thinking about it, head on up to the next floor.
Here they find a sign that reads “This floor contains crew that are smart and experienced, but weak.” This still isn’t enough for them, so the skippers carry on to the next floor. The sign on the third floor reads “This floor contains crew that are smart, experienced and strong.” This sounds OK but they still want more. Knowing that they still have two floors to go, they move up to the fourth floor. Here, the sign reads “Crew on this floor are smart, experienced, strong and Former Americans Cup Champions.”
This sounds more like it and the skippers are getting excited. But then, they realise that there is still one floor to go. Of course, they are curious as to who is up there so they take the risk and head up. But when they arrive, they find a sign that reads “There are no crew here, we only built this floor to show that there’s no way to please a skipper.”